Falling.

I've been a Christian for as long as I can remember. Seriously, my memory does not go past the time I accepted Jesus into my heart. I was five, so it's reasonable that I can't remember anything before that. I guess that makes me 13 years old as a Christian. Ah, the teenage years.

I was never a Christian because it was the "cool thing to do"; I was a Christian because it was the only thing to do. I was five, and my father was a Baptist preacher. It was sort of expected from me. Just because it was the only thing to do, does not at all mean that I didn't mean it. I meant every bit of that prayer I prayed. I still mean every bit of that prayer I prayed.

I always hear people say that when you're that young, you can't really mean what you say, but to be honest with you, that is ridiculous. In Matthew 18, Jesus says unless we become like children, we will never enter into the kingdom of Heaven. A heart is so simple at that stage in your life. The innocence inside of you allows you to see things in black and white, and at that age, Jesus seems to be the whitest of whites. What five year old wouldn't want to be forgiven for all the wrong they'll ever do? Stealing cookies is a deadly sin.

Just because I was the son of a preacher and was saved at the age of five does not at all mean that I was the "model child" growing up. Yes, I went to church every Sunday. Yes, I dressed nicely every Sunday. Yes, I knew all the answers to all the Sunday school trivia questions. To an adult, I might have been the model child, but the playground does terrible things to a child. You see an awful lot of corruption out there on the green grass. Lies were told to stop fingers from being pried off of the precious metal that made up the jungle gym. Dirt was thrown in angry rage because someone didn't get picked to play kickball. My first bad word escaped from my lips when I was in the third grade, after I told a girl I liked her, and she said "Eww." I still struggle with the same problems.

I've matured a lot since I was five. More questions come about with my faith, but that's healthy. If you don't question your faith, you never really own it. I've seen people who were once as dedicated to Jesus as I was, turn away and have nothing to do with Him again. No, I don't appear to be as dedicated now, as I was back then, but I'd say that my love for Him has definitely intensified. I've become more dependent of Jesus, thus making me love Him more and more everytime I hear His name.

The same words I learned when I was in the third grade have stuck with me even now. I've even added on to my vocabulary of awful things to say. The music I listen to doesn't really help me clean up my act any, and I suppose that that is the direction in which I wanted this to go. I listen to hardcore. I listen to the screaming, the bass pounding, the distorted guitars, the machine-gun of a drumset. All of it. I love it. Every single bit of it.

However, the lyrics for most of this music contain those four letter words that I so easily pronounce. Yes, there are Christian hardcore bands out there, and some of them are even my favorite bands, but my musical preferences change frequently. It seems like most songs out there now are about hating society, or hating someone because they've done me wrong. Vocalists put the same pens that they use to talk about changing the world down onto different papers that talk about destroying those who hurt them. But I can't talk about being a hypocrite.

I end up allowing myself to be caught up in the rage and anger that these bands so easily expel from their lips. I talk about how much I can't stand some people, while at the same time tell others about the love of Jesus. Is that really fair? Luckily, the same grace that saved me from the flames I deserved for stealing cookies as a child saves me from the flames I deserve now for being a hypocrite.

Ephesians 1:7-8 says "In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding."

The blood of Christ saves me when I mess up, because God is so good to me. Living in the hardcore "scene" as a Christian is not as easy as people may think. I'm going to be looked at by all sorts of people, and since I'm a Christian, I'm going to be expected to act a certain way, and honestly, I should act a certain way so that my witness will be valid. Yet, I'm never going to be perfect. Fortunately, those verses remind me that I still have hope. I'm going to mess up. I'm not always going to be the Jesus that people need to see in me, but just because I let a few terrible words slip off of my tongue, doesn't mean that I can't get back up when I stumble.